Self-Compassion and Grace

Why it’s important and how to give it. Or at least how to start.

I don’t know who first said this and I’m sure you might have heard this before but if you haven’t, then let me be the one to introduce you to the idea that we say things to ourselves that we would never think of saying to another person.

In other words, we tend to be the most critical, judgmental, harsh and unforgiving towards ourselves then we would ever consider being towards another. Ew!

This truth makes me sad. However, I’ve seen time and time again how an individual holds themselves up to totally unrealistic standards or expectations, while they openly forgive, allow for mistakes and make space for other people. Typically this comes from a pattern of thoughts and behaviors that have reinforced the idea that we aren’t good enough or that we don’t deserve it (whatever it may be). Whenever I see this, I start to introduce the idea of kindness. Not necessarily to others, although that’s nice too, but kindness to ourselves. Whenever I find myself being overly critical or harsh towards something I’ve done, I try to extend a bit of grace towards myself for the truth of imperfection in my own life and self-compassion for wherever I am on a given day. So what exactly is self-compassion and grace?

Self-Compassion can be defined as extending compassion towards one’s self in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure or general suffering.

Grace can be defined as courteous goodwill and can be traced back to the Latin term gratia meaning “pleasing, thankful.” There is also a spiritual component of grace in the idea that love is freely given to another without having to be earned.

I like that the definition of self-compassion includes the language perceived inadequacy or failure. That reminds me that the bar I’m setting and the belief that I’m not hitting the mark, is based on my own perception. A perception that likely isn’t matching anyone else’s either. Maybe that’s true for you too. You think you don’t dress, talk, act, clean your house, parent your kids or eat enough green vegetables to be getting it right, but if you asked anyone else they would probably give you two different answers that sound something like either “I don’t know.” or “I don’t care.”

I think it’s important to realize that most people aren’t actually paying that much attention to you to even have an opinion about what you wear, how you talk, how much dust is on your end table or what you ate for lunch. The people who do have an opinion of those things also fall into 2 main categories as well: either their opinion doesn’t actually matter all that much or it’s an opinion of a person that you love, value and respect enough to apply meaning to it. Sometimes we get stuck in the trap of thinking that everyone’s opinion matters when in reality it just doesn’t. The way I explain this is that if we can’t identify how someone else’s opinion actually impacts me, then it probably doesn’t matter. For instance, if I get a strange look from someone else in the grocery store and I perceive that look to be a judgement on my choice to run into the store in my pajamas to buy milk for the next morning, then I have to ask myself that if (and most of the time it is an if, because we are not mind readers!) this stranger does in fact think I’m a hot mess to be out in public in my pj’s, then how exactly does that impact me? I just haven't identified a meaningful reason to allow what you think might be someone else’s opinion of you to matter in these types of situations.

Sometimes though there are people in our lives that we do care about and respect, and their opinion of us does matter. Here I think it’s a bit more tricky because sometimes we care and respect people that don’t do the same for us. For example, maybe my boss has a different style of dress than I do. Does my boss’ option of me matter? Usually it does. Maybe my sibling has a different way of parenting than I do. Do I care what my sibling thinks of me as a parent? Probably. But here’s where we get caught up. We assume that if my boss dresses different then me or my sibling parents their children differently than I do, that they will value me less as a human being because of that choice. Is it not possible that we can have differing opinions and still value one another? Is it not possible that my choice to dress, parent, eat green vegetables can be different than their’s but still have merit and worth? Is it not possible that the value I hold to the other people in my life that are actually important to me can be defined outside of these things ? What if I’m a loving, supportive, safe parent who just so happens to let me kid eat dirt, while my sibling who is also a loving, supportive and safe parent uses more hand sanitizer than a general surgeon? What if our opinion of one another and thus of ourselves can be defined by who we are and not all of the choices we make?

But sometimes people argue that the choices we make define who we are. I agree with that in some ways. I agree that my intention to act loving towards others and also be self-loving matters and defines a part of who I am. I agree that my choice to be compassionate towards others and also myself defines a part of who I am. I agree that the decisions I make to give grace to others in all of their mess, while I also am willing to extend grace to myself for all of my mess does in fact define a part of who I am. I disagree that how many vegetables I ate last night, what time I let my kid go to bed, the last time I dusted by bookshelf or my repulsion over wearing high heels to work says a damn thing about who I am as a person. None of those things have any impact on my value or my worth. Just like we have to decide whose opinion matters to us, we have to identify what choices and behaviors matter to us. Which one’s define who we are and which one’s define our worth and value. Which ones are just behaviors that if I mess up and don’t like, that I don’t have to repeat. Those are just things. Those are just high heels sitting in my closet that I will almost never wear.

So before we start practicing self-compassion and grace, I think it’s important to be clear with what we are judging ourselves against. What bar are we actually measuring ourselves with? And whose bar is it anyway? Who are we allowing to set the bar? And are we allowing ourselves to have any say so in this bar? Can anyone tell me where this actual “bar” is so I can find it and replace it with my own?

If any of this has resonated with you, I’d love to hear. Drop me a message or shoot me an email. Stay tuned for more ideas, thoughts and suggestions about practicing self-compassion and grace in real life situations too!

With peace, lots of grace and brave hearts,

N

Recovery in Connection

Why do people recover better when in connection with others?

There is a lot of evidence that people heal faster and more fully when they have adequate support; this is true in all aspects, whether it be recovery from a medical or physical challenge, a traumatic experience, substance use, or a mental health struggle, people tend to have better short and long-term outcomes when they are connected to others. When people have a network to rely on when they are going through a period of recovery, there is a shared experience and a sense of not being alone.

Biologically we are built to be social creatures; from the human experience, we thrive when we are connected with others. Our brains, bodies and minds are primarily centered around us finding other people in which we can feel safe, supported and connected, so it’s no accident that if we are attempting to overcome a challenge or hardship of any kind that we would be better suited to not go at it alone. Yet, connecting with other people is also inherently risky. It requires us to be vulnerable and to put ourselves out there, which means we could be rejected. So from that perspective, it also makes sense that when people aren’t at their best, that they might tend to isolate.

In my experience working in substance use treatment, I have seen time and time again how people have found themselves feeling and physically being very alone. The results of addiction and chronic substance use is really hard on relationships and often individuals who are struggling with substance use, have found their relationships more negatively impacted the longer the use continues. At the point of early recovery however, there is this really difficult transition period of needing and wanting support, but having a hard time accessing it. But reaching the full potential of a life in recovery, can’t be done all by oneself. The need for compassion, grace, support, empathy and resources is significant. The act of receiving compassion, grace, support, empathy and resources can be terrifying though. Part of my job and potentially anyone else’s that is in contact with an individual during treatment or in early recovery, is to help bridge that gap. To safely reach out, offer compassion, a desire to understand and be non-judgmental can make a huge difference.

So if you have found yourself at some point not being in your A-game and really struggling to overcome the challenges presented before you and as a result of that, started to isolate yourself from others, I get why you would do that. However, the power of connecting with other people especially during those times, could be a powerful catalyst to change.

If you or someone you know is struggling with feeling isolated or working through recovery, I encourage you to reach out for help and support. If you are struggling with issues of receiving help and support, know that you are worth it, no matter what has happened in your life. If you are supporting someone in recovery, know that you don’t have to solve any of their problems, but the support you can offer may allow them to tap into their own internal resources and begin to solve their own problems. If you aren’t sure the best way to support someone, for fear of enabling unsafe behaviors, know that there is a way.

Life is hard. It’s hard because we’re human. Don’t do it alone.

With a brave heart,

N

Never Perfect, but Always Present.

I came upon that statement a while back and immediately was drawn to it. No shocker there probably. I revel in the imperfections, so anything that honors a sense of not having to be perfect catches my attention. I honestly don’t know where I saw it or heard it, but I found it the other day in a list that I keep on my phone of amazing things I come across. I love that list.

Those blessed human moments of imperfection can be both freeing and terrifying to be fair. My tendency is to be perfect. Or at least to present myself to others that way. You see, if others were to really see all my imperfections then they might not like me - or that’s what I used to believe. Now, I find that those imperfections are just a part of me. And honestly more authentically me than any part that I was working really hard to be perfect at. I also was really confused by what it meant to be good at something and the ability to still make mistakes. I didn’t realize that those two things could co-exist. I didn’t realize that I could kick ass at something and still mess it up from time to time. These days, man I rock out and simultaneously mess it up all of the time…really, I do it a lot!! I defy perfection at this point. Now that doesn’t mean I like to go around a hot mess, stringing my mess behind me like a parade of sorts. But it does mean that I let myself off the hook when I get something wrong, forget something or don’t have the energy to do something as I would like to. It means I extend grace to myself and I have learned to invite in more of what I need during those times, which is usually some sort of support, some down time and some self-compassion.

But the always present part, well that’s also really hard. And for the record it says “always present” which to mean says I can never not be present, so if it were my quote or statement I would say mostly present. Being present is hard because there are so many damn distractions in our lives. One of the big ones can be the drive towards perfection because nothing takes us outside of our true selves, like the acts of perfection do. Being present means I have to slow down and connect with myself, even in the moments I don’t really like myself. I means that I have to see what my needs are but also value them enough to have them met. Sometimes I’ve seen people (including myself) get stuck because they know what they need, but they value other people’s needs over there own. That there my friends is a discussion on boundaries and personal worth, and we will have to save that for another time though. Being present also means slowing down enough to see the people in front of me. To stop going through the motions or the to-do list long enough to sit, hear, see and respond to what someone else is presenting in front of me. Which let’s be honest, I don’t always like the person in front of me either. Or maybe I do like them but I don’t like where they are in this moment so would rather not be present for that part. Being present for me takes intentional choice and it comes with responsibility. If I intentionally choose to be present with myself and someone else, then I have to respond to what’s in front of me. I can’t ignore it or pretend I wasn’t aware that it was there. It takes times and it takes me prioritizing humanity over the to-do list.

So I absolutely am never perfect. I am fallible and sometimes messy. Always present? Well I strive to be mostly present. I know sometimes I miss the boat or end up on the wrong boat going in the wrong direction. And when I find myself in that position, I grab one of those ugly orange life preservers and I jump in the water. I change course, dry off and re-engage to the best of my ability.

I don’t know where you are today. I don’t know what voices of perfection are speaking to you. I don’t know if you are present in your own life and in the lives of those you love. But I guarantee there is a life preserver just waiting for you to grab it. I hope you do it.

Early Riser...Work in Progress

As the summer winds down and the regular back-to-school schedule solidifies, I realized I was needing some additional time for myself in the mornings. So the task of becoming an early riser starts again.

It’s not the first time I’ve practiced the art of regularly waking up early. I’ve done it for periods of time, with pretty consistent success, but the summer schedule allowed me to sleep in a bit so I’ve gotten later in my natural wake up time. What I find is that I need more time in the morning to be able to start my day off as I would really like to - calm, centered, focused, energized and ready (emotionally and physically) for the day ahead. Here’s how that process started…

1. I came to the realization that my mornings where not really going the way I prefer. I was finding myself rushed, feeling a lot of to-do items were on my plate, but not really being sure what they were or what I needed to tackle first. I was prepping for the day ahead, but not in an intentional way. I was running out the door and into my day, without a sense of where I was headed.

2. I recognized one of my most cherished beliefs wasn’t being carried out in my own life. Create what you want more of in your own life. I was wanting more down time, a way to start my day calm, organized in my thoughts and focused on some intentional goals. I recognized my need and then my ability to create that by choice.

3. I journaled what I was seeking more of. I got specific with what an ideal morning would look like for myself. In reality I already know that most days won’t look ideal, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t get closer to it than where I currently am. So I thought specific and ideal…it set the stage for what I was wanting to create.

4. I identified small, but meaningful, actions steps that I could immediately start taking that would get me a little closer to that ideal morning. I prioritized a few things that would help me make shifts incrementally rather than all at once. I committed to the overall process of creating more of what I wanted. This is key! I didn’t commit to having an ideal morning the very next day or attach my success to a specific outcome right away. I committed to the process. The many choices I could make over a period of time that would all eventually lead to creating what I was seeking. As humans a lot of time we commit to an outcome or to an overarching goal and we forget about the process it will take to get there.

So where am I now? I’m waking up earlier and I’ve started a consistent ritual of how I start my day off. Will the time I wake up change. Yep, it sure will. I’ve set the goal of moving my alarm clock back early by ten minutes until I reach my general target time. Will I then wake up at that time every single day? Nope. I will allow myself to be flexible according to my needs. Will my ritual change? Yep, it already has. As my morning routine changes, I am finding that the order or amount of time I need to do things is shifting. So while I am working to be consistent in aiming for that ideal, I recognize the value of adjusting and tweaking along the way. Will I follow my ritual every morning even when I get it worked out? Nope. I will practice listening to my needs on any given day and make the adjustments I need to honor or support myself in the way needed. So where is the consistency then? It’s in my commitment to myself to listen, value and respond to my own needs the will increase the amount of calm, focused, centered energy that I invite into my life.

Here’s to all the other early risers out there! I hope you catch tomorrow’s sunrise.

What are you committing to yourself today? I’d love to know!

Nicole's Favorite (Mostly Free) Things!

Here is a list of some of my favorite, and mostly free resources that I love to share with people. If you utilize any of them, I’d love to hear if you found them helpful! And as I come across new things that I want to share, I will update this post so resources are easy to find.

• Yoga with Adriene: You can find her online or my favorite way to connect with her is through her YouTube page. I initially found Adriene after several months of kinda intense training and she was offering a 30-day yoga challenge. I figured it would be a great way to come down from my training and tend to my physical needs in a different way. Adriene is funny, competent, human and shares yoga in a way that is understandable and relatable. To me she is a perfect combination of integrity and humanity in practicing yoga. https://yogawithadriene.com

• Brene Brown: ok, this is one of those mostly free resources. There are many ways to get to know the work of Brene Brown. She has written several books, she has several different videos and TedTalks available online and a pretty freaking fabulous Netflix special called The Call to Courage. Brene touches on the human experiences of shame, vulnerability, risk taking, and being a better partner, parent, leader and human. She asks us to show up and to have the audacity of showing up as ourselves - flaws and all! So I say mostly free because you can find her books in libraries and she has an amazing website as well as many videos out there of her talking about her work. Obviously if you want the books for yourself (which you will!) or don’t already have Netflix you would have to pay for that, but for the content you get out of those things, I believe it’s well worth the money. https://brenebrown.com

• Breath Work: here’s the deal and the primary reason I teach folks the power of their own breath. It is hands down the only resource that you can guarantee to have access to at all times no matter where you are. You can literally choose to become more aware and to link up with your breath for a specific purpose at any time. Walking into a serious meeting - take a breath. About to have that hard conversation - take a breath. Is your kid throwing a tantrum and you feel like you’re about to as well - take a breath. Nervous about walking into a new experience for the first time - take a breath. You get the point. Now there are a lot of ways to practice breathing and some cool biology behind why it works, but for now what I would encourage you to do is to practice deep breaths that fill you all the way up to the point that your belly expands. Those suckers are called belly breaths and just a few of them can help start shifting things in a subtle but powerful way.

• Podcasts: I think podcasts in general can be a great resource, because it’s kinda like an intents library of options. Depending on your mood and what you’re looking for, you can search and locate inspiration, motivation, ideas, skills and information. Here’s a list of one’s I loved the most and listened to more than once.

  • Oprah’s Super Soul Conversations: Marianne Williamson: The Spiritual Purpose of Relationships.

  • Yoga Talk Podcast #63: The Yoga of Moderation with Bryan Kest

  • Conversations from the Heart with Yoga Girl: How to Balance Struggle and Ease

• YouTube: YouTube is another way that you can gain access to a whole lot of information and inspiration. Truth be told there are also a lot of cat videos which just provide silly joy; in my book that’s never a bad thing. Here are some of my favorite videos found on YouTube that I believe share powerful and meaningful messages.

  • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GwRzjFQa_Og - The Magic of Not Giving a F*** by Sarah Knight: This is a great 12 minute video that focuses on your capacity to set boundaries and limits with what you give your time, energy, money and resources to. Be mindful of who you play this around due to language. ;)

  • https://youtu.be/1Evwgu369Jw - Brene Brown on Empathy: This is a short cartoon based clip that talks about the qualities of empathy and how to communicate it to others. This can offer huge insight into how you express empathy in your relationships in a way that can be helpful.

  • https://youtu.be/khkJkR-ipfw - We don’t “move on” from grief. We move forward with it. Nora McInerny: This is a powerful discussion of how grief and loss becomes a part of us that we don’t ever move on from but impacts us as we move forward. Nora McInerny provides a humorous and compassionate way of accepting loss of significant people in your life.

Finding vs Creating - A Balancing Act

Have you ever said this or some version of this? “I just want to find a better balance in my life.” Maybe you’re looking for a balance between your work and home life? Maybe you’re looking for a balance in your diet or exercise habits? Maybe you’re searching for that ideal balance of being a part of your family, while also honoring your own individual needs? I think this is common. In fact, I think most people are searching for some sort of better balance in their lives overall.

Here’s one of the issues I have with this “finding a better balance” thing though - where in the hell are you expecting to come across this thing called balance? Do you expect you might just bump into it one day and know it when you see it? Do you think it’s hiding under your bed and will just become glaringly obvious to you when you finally dig it out from under there? Do you think it’s just lying on some street corner waiting for you to walk by and pick it up?

Why do we feel that we have to be passive in finding a balance? I believe that we don’t - in fact if a balance is what we believe we need more of in our life, then what would happen if we created it? What if we looked at those parts of our life that seem out of wack and did something about it? What if you took control and made a change? I know it’s a simple concept but like so many other things in life, simple does not equal easy. But it doesn’t make it impossible either.

For example, at one time in my life I was spending a lot of time on the road going between different locations that I was working out of. I was often rushing out of one place and to the next, always feeling late and in a hurry and all the while trying to screen emails or last minute reminders via my phone on the way. It felt like a rollercoaster, which I hate by the way. At that time I couldn’t just completely change that I was working in several locations, but I could do something about this frantic, overwhelming drive from one place to the other. So I started leaving my cell phone in the back seat. I stopped trying to multitask as red lights. I drove in silence; sometimes to music. I paid attention to the day, the weather, the clouds in the sky during my drive. And you know what, it made a huge difference. It didn’t change everything about my day, but it did allow me to arrive at the next place without feeling dizzy, confused and overwhelmed as to what I was walking into. Most importantly, it was something in my control and it helped.

I’m wondering in your own life right now if there’s a place that you are feeling overwhelmed or that things are slightly out of balance for you. If so, I’m wondering what you can do about it. What small but meaningful action can you take, that is completely within your control, that can help you feel more like you want to be feeling? Where can you feel empowered enough to make some tiny adjustment to how you go about your day?

Here’s my challenge to you. What small action can you commit to today, that moves you closer in the direction of the life you want to be living? I’d love to hear about it!

My 90%

I’ve shared this before, but because it so rightly represents my life and because I’m convinced that I’m not alone, I will re-introduce/introduce to you the idea of my 90%. Here’s what it looks like in my life.

I like to be an intentional person. I believe that as much as possible, if I’m aware and intentional in my choices and actions that they will then mostly represent what’s important to me. It helps me to live aligned and to be congruent. As I make plans, commitments and set goals I go into them with the intentionality of doing them well. In other words, I’m not a half-ass type of person. But it never fails that despite my level of awareness and intention setting, a lot of what I do I tend to max out at the 90% and the last 10% of an action or task, well that seems to fall through the cracks. It’s a strange phenomenon that keeps showing up in my life. This past week has been an epic reminder of my 90%.

We have summer plans. The kind where you strive for the right balance of downtime and relaxation with fun. After a busy week, we planned a simple, easy get together with some friends. Sounded perfect. In reality, I completely forgot about it until the last minute and ended up having to rush, I made all this food and as I’m heading out the door realize that I had zero ice to keep it cool. Then I drove by 2 gas stations on the way, forgetting to stop and get ice too. Made it 90% of the way there, last 10% failed.

I’ve committed to doing a few self-empowerment and improvement things recently. Nothing extraneous but mostly related to reading and journaling. I’ve set reminders, scheduled time in my calendar. I get to where I’m going and realize that while I’ve got my book with me, that I forgot my journal. Made it 90%, last 10% dropped.

One of my favorites, I buy a new tea kettle for my office. I buy a huge assortment of teas to share. The first time I have a friend in my office space, I excitedly ask if they want any tea to which they say yes. As they begin to utter the word yes, I immediately realize I have no cups. A kettle, yes. Plenty of tea to choose from, yes. But an actual vehicle in which to pour and drink the tea, well no. I hadn’t thought of that. Made it 90%, last 10% - fail!

I could go on, but you get the point. But here’s my question to you. If this is your experience too, then what are you choosing to focus on? Is it the effort, energy, value and integrity that you put into the first 90%. The part that you did well, with love, grace and enjoyment. Or is it that last 10% that you fall short, mess up or overlook? Honestly, sometimes that last 10% bites me in the ass and it hurts. I let it be a disappointment. I shake my head at myself and say, “you did it again.” But with more cuss words. But my goal is to focus on what’s actually more important and what actually more truly represents me; that first 90% where I gave it my all, that I did it with kind and loving intention, that I feel good about. That 90% is bad ass and is where I know I’m in my groove with myself and the universe. It’s where I want to spend the majority of my time. And while I do occasionally make it all the way and pull off a finished product with a home run, more times than not I actually get to the 90%. And that’s ok. It’s more than ok, in fact.

We all have our examples of making it half way or majority of the way there, only to realize in the end that we didn’t quite pull it off. Why does this happen? Well, my choice is to recognize that it’s because we are human and we aren’t designed to be perfect. This is a shout out and a reminder to everyone pulling their 90% that you are perfectly imperfect!

Breath Work as a Coping Skill

Take a deep breath.

I need to walk outside for a breath of air.

I feel like I can’t breathe.

Any of those sound familiar to you? There’s a reason that breath has so many references to our emotions and how we’re feeing in any given moment. There are also some key reminders that I like to share with folks related to their breath and how to use it as a tool.

1. We literally need our breath for survival. So it makes sense that it surfaces as a “need” when we’re feeling uncomfortable or scared. If our breath becomes shallow, rapid or irregular then we feel distress in our bodies. Because our brains and muscles need oxygen to optimally operate, eventually we have to find or create a way to reconnect with a more full breath. Think about running a short distance; what’s the first thing you may tend to do when you stop? Take a deep breath, right? That’s our bodies automatic way of slowing down our system and reconnecting with optimal breathing.

2. Our breath can be linked to our level of self-awareness. To be fair, the majority of individual the majority of the time, aren’t aware of their breath. Because our breath is automatic, it’s easy to become disconnected from it and its power. Taking a moment to check in with your breath and to take a long, slow and full breath can do wonders for your self-awareness. It serves as a checkpoint for your energy, emotions, actions and reactions. A long and really slow exhale can also begin to activate the parasympathetic nervous system which begins to send messages to all areas of our body to slow down, calm down and relax. While this can be an automatic response sometimes, we can also use this type of breath to intentionally bring ourselves to a state of calm.

3. Focusing on breath can be a great way to slow down. Here’s something to try. Close your eyes and begin to pay attention to your breath. Then begin to make minor changes to your breath to make your inhales and exhales smooth, even and full. After a few intentional breaths this way, begin to make them even more full by filling up the belly with air; really feel your belly button expand and move away from the spine with each inhale. Come back to a normal breath. Two questions after this exercise - how do you feel and how much could you really think about anything else while focusing on your breath in that way? Imagine how your life could be different if you took even just a few moments doing this before responding to a situation.

4. Breath goes with you wherever you go. My favorite reason to helping people establish awareness and connection with their breath is because it is a limitless resource. You literally can tap into your breath, increase awareness of the quality of your breath, and begin to bring on a state of calm no matter where you are or what you’re doing. You may really enjoy sitting in a quiet space with eyes closed practicing your breathing, which is great, but you can also do it standing in the line at the grocery store, in work meetings, at the dinner table with your family, in the car with your kids. It resides in you for as long as you’re living, so it’s a resource that you can take advantage of at any time.

Like most things in life that we’re good at and our effective for us, breath work requires practice. I have found that the more people practice being aware and using their breath as a resource, that the more powerful of a tool it can be. It’s definitely not the only tool and it’s not going to magically change all things in the moment, but if you are consistent with some sort of breathing practice and can begin to find ways to connect to it in moments of distress, I guarantee that you will find it useful.

Peace, grace and brave hearts,

N

Wellness - what exactly does that mean?

So if you’ve visited my business FaceBook page, you may have noticed the name is Perfectly Imperfect Ways to Health and Wellness. When I started the page several years ago, I was looking for a space to share information and resources that supported folks in their pathway of being healthy and well in their lifestyle. Perfectly Imperfect continues to be really meaningful to me. My life is constantly imperfect, and I choose to believe that’s the way it’s supposed to be. Health to me is not just eating a specific diet or exercising, it’s about creating a lifestyle that supports me thriving in my life. Wellness, well I’ve come to struggle with that concept a little bit.

I feel like “wellness” has turned into a buzz word It’s an easy word to use to draw attention from people who are looking to have a sense of health in their life. But at what point does it become a little watered down? So I’ve thought a good bit about what it means to me and why it’s important.

To me it’s important to live a life and to support other’s living their lives in such a way that allows them to be their best selves today. That means making decisions that tend to all of our needs - physical, mental, cognitive, relational, etc. Today is going to look different than tomorrow and this week is going to look different then the following week ,so the decisions I make today are probably going to change from day-to-day and week-to-week too. Despite those changes though, there’s a general sense of consistency or some ongoing consistent effort that’s aligned with a larger goal. For example, there’s been times in my life when I’ve needed to spend energy managing my stress level. So today it may mean going to bed early to ensure I get plenty of rest. Tomorrow it might be generally eating healthy so I have the energy I need for my day but also maybe treating myself to some of my favorite dark chocolate as well. One day it may be a decent run and working up a sweat, while the next day it’s a long walk enjoying being outside. It means when I’m feeling stressed, prioritizing what I need to focus on so as not to stretch myself even further. You see there’s both flexibility to tend to my current needs but also consistent daily effort. It’s not always giving in to the immediate impulses that are actually likely to move me away from my goal. But when I do give in to the impulse, I am compassionate with myself and don’t get stuck there or beat myself up. I also need the capacity to slow down, to listen to myself and to be honest with myself about what I need. And then finally the courage to allow myself to meet my own needs. So for me living well is a combination of consistency and flexibility and it’s what leads to a state of health. It’s imperfect because I’m a fallible human being and regardless of how good this all sounds written down or reading it, like anything else it’s impossible to do perfectly every single day.

I wonder what wellness means to you and how you work towards a life well lived? Does your lifestyle of wellness result in a healthy way of being? Does wellness come easily or is it a real challenge for you? I’d love to hear your thoughts or comments on the concept of wellness! Leave a comment below!

Peace, grace and brave hearts,

N

Togetherness - the push and pull of relationships.

There is a natural push and pull when it comes to relationships. We are social by nature and humans thrive best in connection with one another. But relationships are hard and when we run into a challenge in them, sometimes our instinct is to back out. So what’s with that? Why are we drawn to them but simultaneously move away from the challenges they bring us?

I recently listened to Maryanne Williams say something that really resonated with me. To paraphrase her here she pretty much asked how can we be in relationship with someone else, if we are only thinking of ourselves? Relationships by nature ask us to give of ourselves, to be vulnerable, to take risks and to find opportunities to move beyond ourselves and be with another. But the reality is that this is scary. It asks us to be open to hurt and discomfort and to risk being rejected. I don’t know about you but I’m not particularly a glutton for pushishment. But I do want healthy and engaging relationships in my life. Don’t you? I think what we tend to forget is that we tend to only focus on our vulnerability, on the risk we are taking but in reality the other person is doing that as well. They are risking something by being honest with us, on being themselves and on opening themselves up to us too. In my work I find it fascinating how quickly couples can move away from recognizing this. When I ask them about how much compassion they show one another amidst their struggles, I often get blank stares. Looks that say, “oh yeah, I’ve forgotten about that.”

I have many relationships in my life that I feel this push and pull. The desire to be with them, to have a close and meaningful relationship but also the pull away from the relationship and more towards a sense of safety, comfort and ease. And while safety, comfort and ease in our lives is not necessarily a bad thing, it can’t be the only thing. As someone (actually many someones) has pointed out to me, very little growth comes when we play it safe and stay comfortable. So this brings me to ask you this -> are there relationships in your life that the push and pull is overwhelming in either direction? Do you have a tendency to lose yourself in a relationship and to compromise on things that don’t sit well with you? Do you have a tendency to self-protect and limit the closeness of your relationships? My sense is that we’ve all done a little of both and my hope is that as you learn and grow about yourself that you find that you can manage both callings - do be an individual and to be in relationship. I’d love to hear if this idea resonates or connects with you. Drop me a comment if it does!

Peace, grace and brave hearts,
N