There are moments in life when you are inspired to step forward into an unknown opportunity and well, then honestly there are times it feels the universe is giving you more of a push. I’m feeling a push.

This push brings me to a place where I have to ask myself - do I push back, do I surrender to the push or do I step out of the way and into a new path altogether? Easy questions to be pondering if I say so myself. So let’s consider each…

Push Back - there’s always a bit of a fighter in me, especially when it comes to values and honoring what feels good and right in the situation. Like most people, I don’t like to feel pushed around so I have a natural reaction to want to self-protect - makes sense you may say. But here’s the thing - pushing back sometimes just results in a cycle of constant pushing back and forth and man, I hate a power struggle. But it’s hard not to push back because for me that voice sneaks in about being considered weak or easy to take advantage of - you know all of the really helpful, positive self-talk that is super helpful in these situations (thick sarcasm there!). So I’m stuck - I don’t want to push back because I don’t want to engage in the same behavior. It feels like a waste of my energy and a miss on my true intention for myself. I want to do it, but pushing back rarely feels helpful to me.

Surrender to the Push - my easy going, natural go with the flow personality likes the idea of surrender. It feels like floating in the ocean to me. I’m aware of the strength and power of the ocean but instead of feeling scared of being taken under, I feel supported and held in this weightless space between the water and the sun. That may sound really strange or close to bullshit for a lot of people, but if you get it, you know what I’m referring to. Surrendering to me doesn’t feel like giving up but a natural realignment with the flow of things that if I push against, will eventually just keep bringing me back or gulping for air. So having said all that, surrendering sounds like the right choice and to some extent I think it is in most situations, but here’s the thing - surrendering is scary. I don’t really know what’s coming or even sometimes what I’m risking. Surrendering take a lot of faith, belief, trust - in something outside of me, in myself, in belief in a thing that isn’t quite real or tangible. And all of those things feel fickle - one moment it feels easy to trust and believe and one moment uncertainty shows up I don't know what to do.

Step Out of the Way - change course, new environment, different focus. Why play the game when I can change games? There’s something empowering and freeing about the idea of just doing something different. Sometimes it provides the fresh perspective, new opportunity and change of pace that just allows the old to move on and the new to take root. Like cleaning out old garden beds, I don’t have to throw it all away, but I have to get rid of what is no longer providing for us and bring in new nutrients, new plants and new growth. It’s old and new at the same time. It’s moving forward with the same foundation I choose to keep but with enough new that something different grows. It feels there’s a lot of control in this option - I get to choose what to get rid of, what to keep and what to bring in. I get to scrap what didn’t take root or last through past seasons and start afresh - a new breath. And it’s lovely when the new takes root and turns into something beautiful and interesting. Reminds me of the one time I planted fairytale eggplant - they were so fun to watch grow and y’all they were tiny, in the prettiest shades of purple and made me happy. I never ate one though, and I didn’t plant them again the next season…lol. Was it a waste? I don’t think so - they brought me a lot of joy, but it didn’t take and it didn’t stick. I can brush off a $5 spring plant as worth the risk, but bigger things.- do I just scrap it and risk something new taking root but maybe not?

So here’s the thing I realize - regardless of what option I choose, there’s no guarantee and there’s no option that doesn’t cause me to risk something. I don’t have the ability to look into the future and know for sure what will come, and I don’t know if what I risk, will be worth it or not in the present moment. But this is what I do know - I am worth more than being pushed around so I don’t have to engage in that. I know the relief of surrender, it’s just deciding what I’m surrendering to and what I’m not. I know the joy of risking something and creating new, so I get to decide what risk I’m willing to take. It’s all of it. It’s both/and pushing, surrounding and starting anew. I’m not powerless and I’m not all powerful. I trust and I don’t know. It’s scary and exciting.

I’ll stop now because hopefully I made some sort of sense and found a point that resonates with whoever happens to read this, and recognizing writing all of this out, has allowed for me in this place of change some glimmers of clarity through all the clouds of uncertainty. Look forward and ahead y’all.

With a hopeful heart,