So I’ve had the idea of putting some of my thoughts down related to the current situation that we’re facing, but I honestly just haven’t been sure what to say. So I find myself at the end of what I’ve called '“Week Two” and while my thoughts are necessarily more clear, my desire to share some of them has strengthened. So while none of this is scientific and none of it should probably be used to help you make decisions about your own life right now, here’s where I’m at.

My thoughts are complex and ever changing causing my opinion to seem to vacillate between confidence and occasional fear. I value being informed and making informed choices, but it’s so hard to know what to trust right now or what is right at any given moment. I seem to be coming back to the same annoying, unanswerable question. Where is the truth in all of this? Where is the answer? I like to problem solve and figure out how to maneuver through challenges, but there’s not road map, no decent reliable source of guidance here so I’ve been left feeling stuck. Ugh! There’s a lot of scary info and opinions out there and I don’t work well focused only on fear - it’s not who I am and not how I’m built, but it’s so hard to avoid and the energy behind it can be so easy to fall into.

I’ve been pissed every time I’ve had to write the words “COVID-19” in one of my therapy notes this week, because I honestly just don’t want to. But that’s what it is, that’s what the current situation is about, that’s what is causing change, fear, anxiety, difficult and fast transitions to happen, etc. So as I’ve seen people this week who are struggling in their own way with the experiences of how they’re being impacted, I’ve had to do it. A lot. So I’ve succumbed, but I still have feelings about it every time I do.

I have always valued my physical health. This is not a judgment towards others who are not in a place to make healthier choices for themselves, but for ME, I view my life as a gift and one that’s worth sharing. So my desire to live a healthy life as much as possible and procure my gift so it stays around longer and thus has more to share and experience, matters to me. My health isn’t about my appearance. It’s about how I feel, what I can do and what I’m meant to do. I want to live to be 100 years old! So I trust myself and trust my body and do as much as I can to be kind to it so it hangs around with me. As much as I’m consistent with that, I feel equally confident, stronger and able to live the life I know I’m meant to. So ya, I rarely get sick and I think my immune system is pretty good. I’m not impenetrable and I’m not oblivious to the fact that I can get sick, hurt or even die, but it’s not where I focus my energy or thoughts. I focus my energy and thoughts on what keeps me connected to life and to living well. These last two weeks have resulted in me questioning that on a daily basis. I don’t like it.

So what am I doing about all of it? I’m practicing patience. I’m trying to listen, really listen to myself. I’m trying to be mindful of what else I listen to and actions that help me feel informed without unnecessary or unhelpful emotion attached to it. Like all of us, I’ve slowed down. I’ve managed less. I’ve focused on what’s in front of me. I’ve made decisions about what I can only make decisions about now and am working to leave the rest alone for now. I’ve connected with the people in my small circle when, where and how that’s been possible.

I’ve also caught myself feeling afraid, defending myself, worrying about the future, being sad for all of the loss that we are experiencing individually and collectively.

This morning I did a meditation on acceptance and here is what I’ve been left with, and this may be the only part of this monologue that’s helpful to anyone else. ;)

When we resist things, we can’t find acceptance. So I’ve been resisting the fear, the unknown, the uncertainty these last two week and this morning in my meditation, I realize why I can’t find the peace I’m searching for. The things I’m resisting are real parts of this situation. They belong here with me, and probably with you too. While I know I can’t live in just those things, I can’t shut them out from this experience either. No matter how badly I want to only focus on the solutions, on the hope, on the right way forward that’s not the entirety of the situation. So if I’m desiring a more peaceful experience right now, I have to be willing to accept the good and the bad, and even the ugly. I have to hold competing truths together at the same time - which wouldn’t you believe this, I say that to clients all of the time! But I have to hold my fear and hope both. I have to hold my trust and belief with my uncertainty at the same time. I have to confidently make choices for today while also holding worry for our futures.

We’re in the gross middle of this situation and it’s exactly as it should be. While not easily and definitely not perfectly, my intention moving forward is to give myself permission to stand exactly where I am - in the middle. In the not knowing. In the hoping.

So while I hold fear and uncertainty with belief and hope, please know that I stand in the middle with you.

With the bravest heart I can manage,